It had been a year since I lost my son to suicide and I was invited to join a new women’s group at church.
I wanted to stay home and not risk baring my heart to anyone. God knew I needed this group of women and gently pushed me out the door of my comfort zone.
To be honest, I was angry with my son for choosing to leave us the way he did.
I am a resilient person and found myself able to move forward in my life despite our loss. My resiliency, though, left me unable to express myself and release my grief.
There were five women in this group and each of us had our own pain and grief to deal with.
Some of us were angry with God for the circumstances we were facing. Others, like myself, were angry at our loved one for the choice they had made.
We were all here to release the pain and guilt of poor choices made and we began to realize that we needed to choose to love our ourselves first, in order to heal.
One particular session involved holding hands and moving slowly in a circle to music.
We moved together in our safe, circle of love, holding hands, the music soothing our body, mind and spirit.
We spoke these words of forgiveness and love out loud, but softly, several times until the music stopped.
“I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you.”
When I spoke these words, I forgave my son for choosing to leave us the way he did and acknowledged my love for him. I missed him so much!
Before, I had only felt anger but now I could feel my resiliency melting and my heart softening.
I was finally facing my pain and grief.
Confusion, fear and doubt seemed to lift off me.
God’s presence was with us healing our brokenness as we continued to speak out these words of love and forgiveness.
To me, the words we spoke were a reflection of the words in the book of Corinthians
“Love bears all things, believes all things. hopes all things, endures all thing.” (1 Corinthians 13:7)
This circle where we bared our hearts and shared our grief was vital to God touching my life and releasing me from the anger and pain that I had not acknowledged until now.
I began to understand that along with forgiving my son and loving him, I needed to love myself and forgive myself for past regrets. I needed to show myself mercy.
This was a tremendous breakthrough for me. From this time on, I began to open myself to others and to God.
“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Yet in all these we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.
“FOR I AM PERSUADED THAT NEITHER DEATH NOR LIFE ! NOR ANGELS NOR PRINCIPALITIES nor powers , nor things present , nor things to come , nor height nor death, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which s in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8: 31-39)