In this podcast we talk about the power of forgiveness. In the Gospels, Jesus taught that we not only need to forgive our enemies, but as well our family and friends which is sometimes more difficult. We hope to answer the age old question does forgiveness forget?
For years I have been controlled by what other people thought of me. Over the past few weeks I have enjoyed watching YouTube videos of people dancing up stairs. I had a notion to try this myself but wondered what others would think of a 60 year-old-woman dancing up a set of stairs. Because of my fear, I hesitated doing it. I was trapped in a mindset of “not being good enough.” I was caught in the comparison trap and was controlled by what other people might think. Proverbs 29:25 tells us that “the fear of man is a snare.” It traps you and stops you from being who God created you to be. We have to quit worrying about what others think, because God accepts us just the way we are and we need to accept ourselves. Each one of us is created with our own unique design and expression. We were recently in Galveston, Texas and I saw some stairs going down to the ocean. In that moment, I wanted to dance up …
We were recently on a cruise and one day I headed to the gym and exercise studio on the 11th deck. I decided to participate in a workout session that I had only observed from my corner of the studio the previous two days. The class was more challenging than what I was used to. Anyways, I made up my mind to step outside of my comfort zone and give it a try. It was a tough workout. The instructor knew I was struggling and I found myself looking at the women around me who were obviously in better shape. Several times I was ready to quit, get up and walk away from the class. But it was a windy day at sea and we found ourselves either rolling to the left or the right during our routine and loosing our balance. We couldn’t help but laugh at ourselves. The laughter loosened me up a bit and I decided that I wasn’t going to quit and leave the class. Comparing myself to others has never gotten …
Several years ago I found myself in depression. I felt anxious and overwhelmed most of the time and walked around in a cloud of doubt and indecision. There was no glint of happiness or joy in my life. As Henry Nouwen writes: “Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep on choosing joy everyday.” We are responsible for our mindset and the fear of failure sucked the joy right out of me. I allowed my mistakes to define who I was and they kept me trapped in a dark place. I was stuck in a very unhealthy mindset of ‘not being good enough.’ I want to share some advice that has helped me stay out of depression and move forward in my life emotionally, physically and spiritually. Being afraid to make a mistake means you will stay stuck in confusion and doubt. Mistakes are part of life and they can become our greatest teachers. Learn from your mistakes and move on. “I know I made a mistake but …
My many years of operating as an over-functioner qualifies me to say that “we do not serve ourselves or our families well when we over-function.” So what is over-functioning? Over-functioning takes place when when we do for others what they can and should do for themselves. When we do this, it stops people from growing up and taking responsibility for their own lives. We keep them in a perpetual state of immaturity. I remember reading a story of a married couple who had kicked their 30-year old son out of the home. He wasn’t working and expected them to look after him. They were not doing him any favors by letting him continue in this lifestyle. He had to grow up. Incredibly, their son even sued to stop his parents from forcing him out of the home. Fortunately for him, he lost. But it is easy for this to happen. We become the biggest obstacle to our children taking responsibility for themselves and end up stunting their emotional and spiritual growth. We do not allow …
If you keep doing what you’re doing, and thinking what you’re thinking, you are going to keep getting what you’ve got. Nothing will change in your world until you change. — Gay and Katie Hendricks This message is really about me and not anyone else. My intention this year is to get hold of the blame cycle that kicks in whenever I feel overwhelmed, anxious or fearful. In times of frustration or difficulty, I want to blame others for my problems. I tend to project my frustration on those nearest me. It could be my family or friends. But if we continue to project our frustrations on others nothing will change. It only creates a vicious circle that gets smaller and smaller and pretty soon I end up acting like a caged lion without really knowing why. In other words, the only person you have the power to change is you. So rather than focusing on what you want changed in others, it’s time to create an “inner shift” that will transform what’s going on …
I want to honor my spiritual journey over the past 30 years. To sit here today and dismiss it all would be wrong. It wasn’t all bad all the time. Looking back it was my life experiences that shaped me into who I am today. I am so thankful for the opportunities and resources along the way that helped me heal, grow and move forward. God has made His provision for healing and wholeness readily available to us. Unfortunately, we often stubbornly hold onto our pain by refusing to forgive. It acts like a soother keeping us trapped in a “poor me” mindset. There were two people in particular that I chose to forgive and when I encountered them again, as I did from time to time, it was like nothing had ever happened allowing me to treat them respectfully. I was able to climb out of the confusing muck of bad experiences and memories they brought me by forgiving them. My emotions and even my body embraced the release I experienced as I literally …
Español: Renueva tu cerebro As a Christian woman, I kept waiting for God to change things in my life. I had a very fixed mindset about how things should work. Literally, I was rolling around in the mud of a helpless “poor me” mindset. Shifting out of “poor me” to an active and positive mindset that propels you forward is the only way to keep growing spiritually. We must want personal growth and change. We need to be able to look back over the year and say yes, I grew. I changed. I made progress. It’s about standing our ground and saying ‘no more’ to the thoughts that debilitate us. Let’s make choices and grab hold of the opportunities that are available to help us break out of old patterns of thinking that have become strongholds in our lives; “The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.” (2 Corinthians 10:4) There are two kinds of strongholds. There are demonic strongholds that …
I am on an email list for Lana Vawser who has a prophetic ministry in Australia. Almost every time I receive a prophetic email from her it speaks directly into my life about where I have been and where I am now and where I am headed spiritually in the future. Even though she has hundreds of followers, her emails often address issues I am facing at the moment. She recently sent out a prophetic word about an issue that has controlled my life for many years: “The enemy has tried so hard to place false lenses on you in your battles and attempt to cage you in fear … “You see not through eyes of defeat, you see not through eyes of a victim mentality, you see not through eyes of fear, but you are now arising and seeing with greater clarity and vision through My eyes. The enemy has tried so hard to place false lenses on you in your battles and attempt to cage you in fear, but now you are arising …
Many times through various seasons of my life, the voices of my loved ones were calling out to me in the wilderness of my emotions as I circled around the same issues and same people over and over again. They were voices of reason reminding me to calm down in the midst of my emotions that were suddenly triggered. But, how does one calm down when every sense in your body is reacting? I have learned the hard way, when unchecked, emotions send us whirling into bad decisions that often create more havoc, confusion and damage in our personal lives. It’s never about the other person. It’s about you and your emotional well-being. Because of this during times of emotional turmoil, I decide to practice the 48 hour rule that I recently read about. The 48 hour rule puts you in a timeout, gives you space to settle down and allows you to re-evaluate the circumstances once your emotions have calmed. During this two-day period, I don’t make any decisions, send reactionary emails or texts, …
Learning to live with healthy personal boundaries is a spiritual journey that has changed my relationship with God, myself, my loved ones and friends. I am easily distracted and when I see a need or someone struggling, I commission myself to rescue that person. Without thinking I step outside my personal boundaries to help the individual. I have had as many as five people on my “to save” list and my husband just shakes his head and quips, “off to save the world again?” What I did not understand is that when I did this I was pushing beyond my own personal boundaries which affected my health and emotional reserves which were often riding on zero. My tank was empty and it would literally wipe me out. The problem was that I was trying to save people who were not my responsibility to save. The Apostle Paul makes it very clear that each of us has boundaries in terms of ministry and we are not to go beyond these borders: 13 We, however, will not boast …
I believe many Christian women find themselves feeling guilty about things that they think they ’should’ be doing. We do not have a clear understanding about what it means to live a happy, wholesome life. We seem to operate mostly from guilt and ‘should have’s’. Gerri Scezzarro, author of The Emotionally Healthy Woman, says that we have a wrong perception of a good, loving Christian woman. She states that most women believe this is how they need to live: “They never say ‘no’. They have an active social calendar. They juggle many things and never complain. They get things done and put others before themselves I fell into this trap and started my Christian experience with this popular phrase as my cornerstone, JOY. Alas, JOY, (Jesus first, others second and lastly you) did not work for me as I continually sacrificed my own and family’s wants and needs to help others. I ended up being a joyless Christian women trying to carry my cross and save the whole world. It was not a pretty picture! …
Whenever I heard the word ‘self-love,’ it made me cringe as I immediately thought of ‘selfishness’. I was pretty sure this was not the Christian way. In my mind, self-love and selfishness were the same thing. But as I pressed into my journey to wholeness — physically, emotionally and spiritually — the idea of needing to love yourself kept coming up. I wasn’t sure how Biblical this was but thought I needed to find out if it was or wasn’t. It seemed that to heal from past issues and recent traumas that constantly triggered me, I was being pointed in the direction of ‘self-love’. What was I getting myself into? And how did this fit with the verse, “deny yourself and take up your cross and follow after me?” Jesus shed His blood on the cross to save the world and it started to feel like I was doing the same thing, making personal sacrifices for others. But were these the sacrifices that God was asking me to make? Was I being motivated by love …
Recently, I have been drawn to the story of Miriam. Her name comes from the word Myrrh. Myrrh was the main ingredient of the anointing oil that Moses sprinkled on the tabernacle, which made it not only visually but also olfactory prominent in Israel’s camp. (Exodus 30:23). And though it referred to the fragrant spice used in the tabernacle, it was also considered bitter. Because of Myrrh’s connection to bitterness, some believe Miriam’s name originally meant “sea of bitterness” or “sea of sorrow” or “rebellion.” Her mother may have given Miriam this name because of their hard life in Egypt. Miriam was a leader among the Hebrew women. She was a prophet and gifted musically. She used her leadership role to direct the women to praise the Lord often through the dance. She was a godly influence in their lives. Miriam was one of God’s special gifts to the people of Israel. As was typical of the day, these dances were often spontaneous. The women would follow Miriam in the dance copying her movements and …
Often, I notice in myself and others that we have a tendency to sabotage our own happiness. The expression that “We are our own worst enemy is so true.” We don’t feel that we deserve to be happy and the way we think about ourselves prevents us from receiving God’s blessings. We’re not even sure that God wants us to be happy, because subconsciously we don’t feel like we are worthy. Many times it has to do with how we were raised. We don’t realize it but often we are dealing with strongholds that have been passed down from generation to generation. We have blueprints that have been imprinted upon our minds from childhood. If you grew up in an environment where it wasn’t safe to express your wants or needs, you will begin to believe you really don’t deserve anything good. If you were constantly criticized, you will struggle to feel good about yourself. It can feel safer staying stuck in our uncomfortable old patterns than to rock the boat and feel good about ourselves. …
Sometimes we need a clear picture of what happens when we allow resentment to settle in our spirit. When that happens our pointing finger of blame is often the only thing that can be seen as we sink deeper and deeper in the bog of anger, resentment and blame. And if we don’t pay attention to what is happening, the sticky mire of resentment dries and hardens on us until we can no longer move or even breathe. Great effort is required to keep our hearts from hardening when we feel life is unfair or if we keep getting offended by what people are saying or doing. I will tell you now that these other people have nothing to do with it. No one has the power to make us angry or resentful except us. It is our choice. When we become offended or point the finger of blame, we are giving other people control of our lives. We are giving our power over to them. When we remain offended and angry, we lose control …
Believe it or not you may have an addiction! But it’s not what your thinking. I am not talking about an addiction to alcohol, drugs or cigarettes. But many of us are feeding addictions in our lives that have haunted us for years. In my life, I had an addiction or need for people to recognize and acknowledge my accomplishments. In the end, this led to a serious addiction of people-pleasing. In other words, I was struck with “the disease to please,” and would do things I didn’t want to do just to get people’s approval. It was unhealthy and killing me from the inside out. But there are other addictions operating in our lives that many of us do not recognize as well. When we hold on to limiting beliefs about ourselves, then anger, sadness or guilt will show up to compensate for our lack of self-confidence. We substitute unhealthy emotions for our lack of confidence. Sadness can be a way of getting others to notice and feel sorry for us. We need this …
I walked out of the doctor’s office a few days ago and noticed a young woman in front of me crying. I passed her on the way to my car and then thought I should check if she was okay and turned around and went back to talk to her. She looked at me as she wiped a tear from her eye and said that she was just diagnosed with PTSD. She shared that it had been a year since she left a relationship with her narcissistic boyfriend. She fled England a year ago after her boyfriend burned her house down. The only way she could get away from him was to leave the country. Just days before leaving England she considered going back to him “because he would only be angry for a while and then things would get better.” This is the same guy that set fire to her house! What was interesting about this is that until a few weeks ago, I had no idea what narcissism was until I started reading …
What do boundaries, healthy boundaries, have to do with our relationships? Why is learning to say “no” important and why is it so hard? Because if you continue to do things you don’t want to do, you eventually become, angry, resentful and bitter. If like me you choose to be a martyr and say “yes” when you really want to say “no,” you will become what some describe as a “bitter martyr.” But as one psychologist puts it, “it’s not too late to turn the ship around.” To remove the bitterness, we must become better at telling the truth to ourselves and others because saying “yes” when you want to say “no” is being dishonest. Why do we struggle with this? It’s the little girl in us acting out our childhood training to be nice. According to psychologist, Terri Cole, growing up with a mother who was a people-pleaser makes it difficult for a person to say “no” when it is the last thing we want to do. If you lived in a home where …
Sometimes we are being pushed out of our comfort zone and often think fear is telling us to pull back. But in reality it’s a signal to move forward, push through the fear and jump. I have been acknowledging my uncomfortable feelings these past weeks. At times I almost feel paralyzed by fear and anxious thoughts. Have you ever felt this way afraid, nervous and excited all at the same? It’s an uncomfortable feeling. And often we judge ourselves for being afraid of our next big step. We have this misconception that fear is telling us “not” to do it. Well, the good news is that fear is just a natural emotion that means you are stretching yourself out of your comfort zone. Being stretched is uncomfortable in the physical and the natural. Growing and expanding beyond where I have been comfortable for some time now. Fear is a normal part of life, but it is an emotion we must control before it conquers us. Writing for Proverbs 31 Ministry, Bobby Schuller says: “Fear is …
Psychologists believe that many of the health issues women experience today stem from our fear-based emotions and false beliefs about ourselves. Like ‘I am not good enough, I don’t have enough money to be successful , I am too fat etc. As I look back over a few of the more dramatic or traumatic events in my life, there were signs leading up to them. Signals, a sense of something not right. Really, it was a whisper of the soul and sometimes they were from Jesus as the Lord will speak to us: “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.” (John 10:27} And I realize now that as time went on and I ignored this voice, clearer and louder messages followed. But deep down I knew that something was up and I didn’t really know what to do because fear was there too. And as I continued to ignore these warning signs I was hit by what some call “a cosmic 2×4.” I like how Stacey Martino puts it, …
Recently, I was at the theater watching Jurassic World with my family. Beside me, there was a four-year old boy sitting with his father and throughout the movie I passed judgement on the father for bringing this young boy to that sort of movie. Later, I made a comment and my own son said, “maybe the man didn’t want to pay for a babysitter and decided to take him to a movie instead.” I was convicted afterwards by my judgemental perception of the situation I knew nothing about. Good on my son for choosing a positive perception of the situation. But, how I grieved afterwards about my opinion. And, even though I have worked hard to change my perceptions of people and circumstances, my original state creeps through and I judge again. I am reminded of the story of the man who was forgiven a large debt by his lord and then went out and demanded payment from someone who owed him money. He did not show this man the same mercy he had just …
Sometimes jealousy strikes me when I least expect it. It could be a Facebook post where someone shared a great thought or perception of their life. I am ashamed to say that I find myself closing my heart to that person. And then I must do the brave and honest thing if I want my light to keep shining out into my world and open my heart to that person once again. Maybe you are like me and find your heart opening and closing many times in a day. Open to the prospects of a new day and then closed again because someone said something hurtful or jealousy crossed your path. Whatever it is closing our hearts and leaving them shut is hurtful to us and not anyone else. That person on Facebook has no idea what happened, so you haven’t hurt them. Good on them for showing up and making a good point or posting a great photo. Yet, for years I was afraid to show up and allow my true self to be …
Many psychologists today talk about our “inner child.” And often the way we respond to people and the circumstances of everyday life has to do with our “inner child” desperately seeking and needing the approval of our peers. Many times we get knocked of our feet by our own perception of ourselves. In the end, it’s not really about what anyone said or did, it’s our childhood woundings and insecurities holding on to the past. And for many the trauma and woundings were real and the love and attention needed was not there to support the wounded child. It helps me to picture the “child within” still wanting the love and support that was needed at crucial times in our lives. Many of us have had a good family life but no parent or family is perfect. Some wounds go deeper for one child while another sibling may not have been affected in the same way. Later as adults, we find ourselves stuck in the same old patterns of seeking approval and attention. Sometimes, we …
Disappointment is a ball that lands in your lap with a thud after it’s missed its mark and bounced sideways off a wall. Suddenly, it’s there and you weren’t even expecting it. Recently, I experienced a disappointment that threw me into a state of confusion and doubt, particularly about myself. But we are meant to learn from these setbacks in life even though they are not pleasant or comfortable. God’s intention is always to teach us about ourselves during these difficult times. I am learning that it is never about the person on the other side of the disappointment, it is always about what is best for me. This is God’s heart and desire and the sooner I learn the lessons from mistakes, regrets and disappointment, the sooner I will be aligned with God’s plans and purpose for my life. It’s also okay to let the ball sit there for a while, until you have had time to process what just happened. You might need a day or two to feel the different emotions attached …
I remember feeling numb and barely able to move at times as I began to take responsibility for some of my harsh experiences in past years. Whoever else I had been blaming for my problems was no longer the issue. I had to be real and heal. Denial that I could have possibly played a part or even been responsible for some of my experiences kept me in the dark. Denial does that. It could include denial about our part in a relationship gone wrong, a breakdown in family relationships or a situation turned bad at work. Facing the facts and focusing on the role we may have played is the first step to turning things around in our lives. When we remove denial and start owning up (being real, and honest) about some things that have not gone particularly well, we begin to move from death to life. The scales fall from our eyes as we take responsibility (even if it was just a small part). But once we have accepted our role, we …
Yesterday started out well but then in the afternoon I had a couple of hours of frustration when something didn’t go the way I wanted. I ended up taking two hours to complete a task that should have taken 10 minutes. But me, computers and technology don’t always see eye to eye. I quickly fell into a slump and was starting to get depressed. I was surprised how quickly things had taken a turn for the worse. I knew I needed to pull myself out of this slump and real quick. The Apostle Paul tells us to: “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” (1 Thessalonians 5:18) All circumstances, describe good and bad and in the midst of bad we are to give thanks. Paul was right, because according to writer J.D. Roth, studies show that roughly 10% of our happiness is determined by our circumstances and 40% of our happiness comes from “intentional activity” which involves what we think and do. Knowing what will …
For many of us, our biggest forgiveness issue may be forgiving ourselves. From blowing your budget, stealing, lying or cheating on a spouse or perhaps you were in a war where people died because of you. Whatever it was the awfulness of it sinks you with guilt and shame. God may forgive you, but can you forgive yourself? According to Dr. Luskin, Director of Stanford University’s Forgiveness Project, the biggest obstacle to self-forgiveness is the tendency we have to wallow in our guilt. He says: “It’s not just that we feel bad because we know we’ve done wrong, Everybody does that. But some of us actually draw those bad feelings around ourselves like a blanket, cover our heads, and refuse to stop the wailing. He states, that it is a crazy form of penance. We curl up in a ball and say, Hey, Look how bad I feel! See how I’m suffering! I’m pitiful! I’m pathetic! I can’t be punished any more than this; it wouldn’t be fair!” Instead of taking responsibility for what we’ve …
Refusing to forgive others keeps me in a victim mentality (poor me) state of mind. The victim mentality places the responsibility for my choices and actions on someone else and has become a stumbling block that many in this day are falling over. We see it every day in the news particularly the anger and blame directed towards others that deflects personal responsibility for one’s happiness. This victim mentality is ripping our society apart. Feminists are blaming the “patriarchy” (code word for men) for their imagined oppression. It is always someone else’s fault. Yet, there are women from horrific backgrounds who have gone on to lead very successful lives, somehow men did not hold them back. The victim mentality prevents us from reaching our full potential. It is a stumbling block made up of blame, anger and reliving your victim story over and over again until it takes on a life of its own. It can take over your life and locks us into a limitation that we have unknowingly placed on ourselves. By holding …
Has anyone ever told you to “move on” or “get over it.” I am learning, after a few years of dealing with unforgiveness in my life, that you never really get over the past. And much to my relief, it’s OK! The act of forgiveness is a process and not just a one-time act. It has been helpful for me to understand that we need to develop the capacity to forgive. It is a skill we must learn and practice every day. We each have our own unique story of anger and hurt, but there are two components to forgiveness: Step 1: Grieving what was and what could have been. Step 2: Letting go – of the suffering Most think that a big part of forgiveness is about forgetting the incident or person that brought so much hurt and anger. But denying our past, without first acknowledging it, does not make it easier to forgive. Several experts on forgiveness talk about the importance of grieving over what happened and what could have been. We need …
Whenever I get that ‘lost’ feeling where life seems out of control and I am overwhelmed, I remember these words spoken by God at creation. “The Lord God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils, the breath of life, and the man became a living creature.” I recognize the signals that are warning me to slow down and when all else fails and I am really desperate I go back to the beginning, to the “breath of life.” I often take a deep breath and allow the breath of God (life) to flow through me. The Hebrew word for spirit in the Old Testament is “ruach” and it means “air in motion.” The same word is translated “breath” and “life.” When talking about the Holy Spirit, Jesus said He is like wind or “pneuma,” which means “a current of air, breeze or breath.” “That which is born of the Spirit is spirit. Do not marvel that I said to you, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows where …
There are times when ‘life happens’ for all of us. We find ourselves stranded in deep waters where waves of trouble and trials crash over us again and again. Our emotions are in turmoil. Many times, I have found myself in a place where words could not be spoken. The heart cry of my sadness and grief echoed out over the waters of my despair. But during these times God reaches out to us: “Deep calleth unto deep at the voice of thy waterspouts; all thy waves and billows are gone over me. Yet the Lord will command his lovingkindess in the day time and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life. I will say unto God my rock why has thou forgotten me? (Psalm 42:7 KJV) This is also the only place in the Bible that refers to waterspouts. Waterspouts are created during ocean storms when funnels touch the water connecting the ocean with the heavens. It speaks of the connection that God …
Español: Es hora de volver a calibrar! Usted no tiene que salvar el mundo It’s easy to lose ourselves in the spinning and twirling events of our daily lives. Often, we burn out when we give all our time and energy for a worthy cause or in meeting the needs of those around us. I am learning that I am not indispensable and that the world can do very well without me for a while. The harsh reality is that we often become “indispensable” in our own eyes. We get lost in the illusion that the world can’t make it without us. We must step away and take a good look at who we have become. My ego loves the attention and the “need to be needed.” I call it my “save the world mentality.” My husband can attest to the many times I have asked him to remind me that “I don’t have to save the world.” Because that mentality has ruined my health, run me into the ground, hurt my most valued relationships …
Español: La Danza de la Vida These past few weeks my eyes have been opened to my need for love, respect and acceptance from others. I tend to accuse others of being uncaring when they dismiss my plans and ideas. I demand from others what I am lacking in myself and make others responsible for the way I feel. When I quit blaming others for the way I am feeling (angry, hurt, rejected), only then can I see what the real problem is — my lack of self-esteem mostly. I needed to ask ‘why’ am I blaming someone else for my lack of self-worth and insecurities. Why do I so badly need to be right? Resentment and anger are dis-empowering. They debilitate and cripple us, yet we unknowingly lean on them like crutches to get the emotional support and love that we so badly need. When we seek love without giving it to ourselves first, (embracing our value and worth in God and believing that) we will never be satisfied with what we get from people. …
Lately, I found myself repeating an old pattern in my life. It’s the one where I suddenly don’t feel good enough or I feel shame about something or an unpleasant memory pops up and I blame someone else for the problem. I recognize in those moments, I have chosen to become a victim and end up dumping my emotional garbage on my unsuspecting husband. He gets to take the garbage out! In a moment, my own personal trash is transferred to him and for a few seconds “I feel better.” But, the “rush” does not last long and soon those sick emotions return. I realize now why many of us like to blame others. It provides a temporary rush that numbs our senses and makes us feel better. But like all addictions, drugs, alcohol or gambling, the problem is not solved. It returns with a vengeance and we need to dump our frustration, anger and unchecked feelings again and again. Blaming someone else becomes our temporary fix. We become addicted to it because of the …
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