Emotional health, Main, Women, z125
Comments 2

Drain the blame

Credit: ms. neaus neaux/Flickr/Creative Commons

Credit: ms. neaus neaux/Flickr/Creative Commons

If you keep doing what you’re doing, and thinking what you’re thinking, you are going to keep getting what you’ve got. Nothing will change in your world until you change.
—  Gay and Katie Hendricks

This message is really about me and not anyone else. My intention this year is to get hold of the blame cycle that kicks in whenever I feel overwhelmed, anxious or fearful.

In times of frustration or difficulty, I want to blame others for my problems. I tend to project my frustration on those nearest me. It could be my family or friends.

But if we continue to project our frustrations on others nothing will change. It only creates a vicious circle that gets smaller and smaller and pretty soon I end up acting like a caged lion without really knowing why.

In other words, the only person you have the power to change is you. So rather than focusing on what you want changed in others, it’s time to create an “inner shift” that will transform what’s going on inside you.

While we want to blame the other person for our problem, in reality it’s about us and our stuff. The unresolved anger, fear or frustration inside us has nothing to do with other people.

We are responsible for our happiness and for creating more of it in our lives.  No one else, not even your husband, is responsible for making you happy.

Proverbs tells us that we are responsible for our happiness. We need to discern what the real issue is and control our mouth that quickly wants to blame others.

A happy heart makes the face cheerful,
    but heartache crushes the spirit.

14 The discerning heart seeks knowledge,
    but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly. (Proverbs 15: 13-14 NIV)

Our fear turns into anxiety and we end up projecting our frustrations on our loved ones. When I start to blame others, particularly my husband, I am really trying to punish him for the way I am feeling in that moment.

Suddenly, I erupt and hubby finds himself bombarded with negative comments and energy that he was not expecting.  You can see the look of shock on his face when he thinks everything is ok and suddenly I dump my emotions on him.

We try to make others responsible for the way we are feeling. But it’s often not about them – it’s about you.

So what can I do to eliminate this tendency to project blame on others:

  1. Love yourself. We have to start believing what God says about us instead of looking for affirmation and answers to our happiness from others.
  2. Are you over-giving or people-pleasing? If so this may be causing frustration and anger in your life. This could be the reason why you are projecting on a loved one.
  3. Is there unforgiveness or an old, festering wound or memories that are triggering anger in you life. If there is, then you need to forgive.  The apostle Paul tells that we can put aside bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor and slander by “forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:31 -32)

When you project your frustrations on others, it makes you a victim. You are so busy living your victim story there’s no room to move on and create a more powerful identity. It is an indicator there are unresolved issues in your life and it is time to change.

Blame drains the life right out of you and leaves you feeling helpless, hopeless and weak. It’s time to take responsibility for your own life and happiness.


  1. Powerful goal and huge impact when you achieve it. I went through this process many years ago. This is really old school, but I found the book Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw very useful in that journey. Goes back to like 1989, but you can definitely still find it on Amazon. Wishing you the best as you tackle this in 2019.


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