After I lost my first-born son, Graham, to suicide, I still had my sixteen year old, second born son to care for. I watched my adolescent boy reeling from his own grief as he sat on the couch in the basement for days on end.
He had made up his brother’s bed and formed the blankets to look like he was still sleeping in it. He could not accept that his brother was gone.
My perspective on life had tilted dramatically. I knew that I could no longer “take care of everything.” I was no longer superwoman.
All that I felt I could do was pray for my son.
Behind our house there was a two-mile hike up to a huge coulee. Once you reached the top you just had to sit down and admire the scenery below.
Farmers crops and cows grazed at the base of this coulee. Hues of gold, green and geometric patterns stretched out over the wide open land before me.
From the rock pile on top of the plateau, I found the biggest rock with the best view and sat down on it.
I did not know how to pray as my Christian faith was not active, minimal to say the least.
My fears for my son went to God.
“Dear Lord, Heavenly Father above, I pray that you will guide and bless and care for my son Tommy. I know I am heading towards an extremely difficult time and I cannot care for him like I should right now. I pray to you Lord with all I have, for you to help me guide him.
I am giving my son to you GOD and I will simply love him unconditionally. I have never prayed to you before Lord but I am now. Amen.”
Immediately, I felt a release from speaking my fears out loud to God. The wind, cows, pasture and crops were witnesses to this sacred moment. I sat there for a while longer and knew that our family was going to make it.
This was my first prayer to God and the beginning of my faith that has grown stronger over the years.
“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” (1 John 4:18 KJV)
It has been twelve years since my first desperate prayer was spoken on the top of that coulee. God is faithful and heard my prayers. I am grateful for where my second son is at this time in his life.
Although he has battled with depression, he comes out of it stronger and more determined to move on in his life. His creativity through various avenues of art has been a gift to us.
He is safe and committed to working out his life plans here on this earth.
I am grateful!